I love looking at my journey as a transformation from perfectionism to authenticity.

From a young age I placed a premium on trying to be perfect and please others. I thought this would make me feel safe, happy, and fulfilled. My choices, beliefs, and actions were all rooted in someone else’s values.

Chasing this elusive standard, trying to avoid judgment, and living for other people was exhausting and stressful. I created a narrative where I was never good enough (because perfect doesn’t exist) and I was never satisfied (because I was not aligned with my true self.) My negative mindset and critical self-talk only cemented this story.

There was a major disconnect between my inner and outer worlds.

On paper I was a success; I looked the part of someone who had everything together. I was well educated and I advanced professionally. Internally though, I was a mess. I fixated on what other people thought of me and constantly worried about their needs instead of my own.. I completely neglected what I wanted and needed. I felt so angry at myself for not creating the life I truly wanted and continually beat myself up for what I said and did (or more often what I didn’t say or do.)

I had severe depression, anxiety, infertility, exhaustion, chronic stress, bloating, and sugar cravings (Airheads and Starburst Jellybeans to be exact.) I numbed the anger and buried all the other uncomfortable feelings by overworking and stuffing myself with pounds of candy.

While a bag of candy at 8am with my second cup of coffee was a low point, there were actually two different events that I chose to use as opportunities to radically transform.

First, after being fired from a job that I initially believed was my dream job, I actually stayed for an extra week and a half to wrap everything up. I was that driven and dedicated. I was also mortified at what I saw as a failure. Staying was a way for me to soften the blow, hide the shame, and continue to hold up the façade of perfection. My identity was so tied to work that I didn’t know who I was without that label. Deep inside me though, there was a part of me that felt free. I no longer had to be defined by something that didn’t resonate with me.

Second, I’ve struggled with depression since I was quite young, however I was skilled at hiding it and continuing to function at a high level. This seemed sustainable until I was at a four-way stop with a blinking red light and I couldn’t figure out when it was my turn to go. I knew in my heart that the depression was worse than before and as I sat at that intersection feeling a combination of panic and deep sadness, I realized I needed more help. I invested in an intensive therapy program. On the first day I walked in and immediately began to feel a sense of relief as a huge weight started to lift.. I felt like I could be myself, I didn’t have to pretend everything was okay, and I could take off all the masks.

What is so powerful about these experiences is that I took responsibility and transformed.

No one gave me a new label and I didn’t seek a definition from anyone else. No one said or did anything to/for me that allowed me to be myself without the perfectionism façade. I started to create my own definitions and focus energy on being authentically me.

My transformation from perfectionism to authenticity is rooted in mindset mastery and healing energy. I regulated how I related to the world, what I held on to, and how I saw my reality. I understood that I had so much more power than I realized and my mindset and energy determined how I felt – not other people’s opinions or external achievements. This enabled me to get out of my own way and create a new reality.